How does one maintain consciousness? I have had moments when I have had clarity
of thought and presence of my own physical self. However it has not been a constant happening.
I was thinking about the events that happened
to me in 1987-89, when I had the desire to asphyxiate myself and then hang
myself. I do recall my mother telling
me that I had turned blue when I was born.
Was this from being choked by the umbilical cord? I have absolutely no recollection of being
choked as a child, of turning blue or of any other event that may have occurred
during the birth process. I was not
conscious that these events were happening to me if they happened to me at
all. I only know what may have happened
from events that I have re-enacted since then and even then these re-enactments
could belong to my mother and not to me, as there is the case of getting choked
by the clothes line, that she could have re-created because of some other event
that happened that made her feel like she could "die". Freud's thanatos. My sister also suffered from asthma when she
was a child, could this have been the result of transferences from me or my
mother? I am sure now that it is the
reason I drew the lump in the buzzard's throat. Could the asphyxiation have come from some
past life event (Out on a Limb) that my father had experienced first as nose
bleeds, that could be related to some volcanic activity or eruption?
Is consciousness merely becoming aware of the
soul? I know that I have had little
concern for my body as I was not taught that my body was important, that my
body was merely a place for God, "your body is God's temple", this is
why Jesus ended up on the cross. Is this
consciousness? I have had to create for
myself mental programming to teach myself to protect my body, particularly in
light of discovering tapes in my head, such as "stop drinking water".
Is consciousness just a matter of the mind
and not the brain? We are not born with
souls, we acquire them. Granted, our
brains do process all of the physical sensations that occur in our bodies, but
do we really become conscious of them at the same time. The memories of those sensations are stored
in our brains and we only become conscious of them when we are able to say, ah,
that came from birth. In other words, I
would only be able to know that these sensations of wanting to choke or
asphyxiate myself came from my birth because someone else outside myself who
was there or knew about it or has knowledge of these kinds of events, has told
me that it came from my birth, not because I was aware of it at the time. That kind of awareness at birth would be too
much for an infant body to handle, despite what they make you believe in the
movie "Look Who's Talking".
The information acquired at birth would be compartmentalized and
repressed [ I think repression is the same thing as repressed memory, because
whenever one represses one is blocking the memory from awareness, whether it be
traumatic or not, as one can set aside thoughts about a particular thing until
one is able to deal with them, such as an invention or whatever and it is
vulnerable to being accessed by a hacker ] until a time one deems it ok to
recall that information or one for various reasons, acts it out upon oneself or
another, or one may not recover it at all, if it is accessed by an outside
source and removed or it is ignored so long that one develops a tumor on the
brain or some other brain disease. There
is a pay-off too for making people feel guilty and I suppose through hypnosis,
one would eventually trace the origins of these events, if one developed some
sort of serious block. I am not saying
that we should run around killing fetuses because they are not conscious, yet
we do a similar thing to adolescents and adults, who may not be as conscious as
those who are accusing them or judging them.
This process of assigning the cause of
sensation in the present to something from the past in ourselves is the process
of cognition. Does this mean that our
conscousness will always be a step behind our abilities to perceive and acquire
sensations? If these memories truly
belong to my mother, do I really possess
any consciousness at all?
Ha, I feel like I sound like Dr. Sapolsky
today, I've been listening to his tapes again on Biology and Human Behavior and
I can detect his manner of speech in my head.
It is amazing at how quicky the human brain can process
information. I listened to more than half
of the lectures today for the 4th time.
Back in the early 90's I wrote this paper
about a car but I described it, in a subtle manner as if it were a woman, a
kind of anthropomorphism, like I suspect of the book, Black Beauty. Since then I realized Ford or whoever, might
have really been looking for someone or something to carry his soul and he
might have created a mechanical version of a human being in the form of a kind
of mechanical robot, the automobile, Artificial Intelligence. It's like what I said about the Egyptians
making alcohol, it was nature telling them something about the body but it
turned into something else. Anyway,
Ford created a sort of Stepford Wife.
In the movie Stepford Wives, the robotic women have no consciousness at
all, it is made unsconscious by the possession of the husband's anima and they
are at the mercy of their husband's (owners) wishes and desires. Of course Robo-Cop would be the male version
of a Stepford Wife, the man being possessed by the immature animus of the
female scientist.
Today, I was aware of a keen game that can be
played in which one can draw out these parts of a person, the animus in a woman
or the anima in a man, for the purposes of acquiring their transferences, or
hooking into the thought processes of either.
This would be desired of course only from those individuals who had a
level of intellect or creativity that one desires. This is achieved by different means of
seduction, etc. This process is called
acquiring consciousness. I the observer
instead of the actor, was paying attention to what was going on around me and I
programmed my mind to do this with my mental programming directives that I have
listened to at least 50 times over the past week. One specific directive I gave myself was to
pay attention to what goes on around me.
Of course I had already become aware of this shifting from one side to
the other years ago, I just didn't pay attention to the mehanics of what was
happening and that is exactly what I called it, shifting, not to be construed
with a paradigm shift. I also noticed
another kind of shifitng that has been taking place. When ever I feel threatened by a particular
person, say a man, I will shift from my feminine to the masculine, as a means
of protecting myself, the Robo-Cop in action.
In making these cds I also became aware of
how easy it is for someone else to manipulate and direct my behavior, using
just a few simple words, via transferences to the unconscious (the id, the
child state) that eventually works its way into conscious awareness (the ego,
the adult state) in the form of a stream of consciousness, such as "turn
your radio on, get in touch with God"..."stop drinking water",
etc. I practically ceased drinking water
when I was in FCCW.
I have been motivated to recycle and
re-evaluate these events, etc, by past undesirable events in 1989-90 in which I
wish to protect myself from in the future, that may seem to others like I am
obsessed. This is not the case. By putting erroneous information into my
brain or not having adequate information at all, I have come up with erroneous conclusions and
therefore a recycling of the old and inputing new information has become
necessary and my by rehashing this stuff again I have been able to draw more
rational conclusions as to the causes of my poor behavior, not so much because
I have suffered some sort of chemical malfunction in my brain but more because
of what I was allowing to be stored in my brain.
The manner in which we store information in
our brains matters also. On my mental
progamming cds the directives are very short sentences, well most of them are,
as this was the suggested manner in which to create subliminal cds, but I did
not make it subliminal, I felt that passive listening would be just as
affective, particularly since I desire to change and have been desirous of change
since the Doctor told me I was going to die if I did not quit smoking
cigarettes (see a connection? I also
suffered from anorexia at about 17).
What I have found from these short sentences is a tendency to repeat
other things repetitively also. The other morning I found myself repeating a
few words from a song over and over, after two nights of listening to my
cd.
So, is consciousness merely a matter of making conscious our perceptions, physical and otherwise? What about the soul?
Kay F. Gibbs
